Let's Block All Learning Tools and Eliminate Classroom Distractions!

The following is satire. Or is it?

Dear administrators and staff:

It has been determined that our students are not responsible enough to allow for social-networking tools in the classroom. That was demonstrated by the inappropriate use of Twitter yesterday, coupled with frustration expressed by teachers on Facebook (no irony here). It seems that they are concerned about being unable to effectively manage their respective classrooms given the chance the additional technology tools might be misused by students who have not been taught their value or appropriate behavior. Thus the need to eliminate this learning tool and by logical extension, review the potential or actual problems with other learning tools in the classroom.

Since historically students have also misused paper in the classroom to write personal notes, draw inappropriate pictures of their teachers, express themselves using inappropriate language, create spitballs, or simply wad it up and throw it at each other, beginning today we will block students from using paper for any school-related activities. This will not only prevent misuse but will relieve teachers of any responsibility to effectively manage the use of paper in their rooms.

Since pencils, pens, markers, crayons, etc., without the presence of paper to employ them, might now only be a temptation to students to misuse these 19^th century technological wonders, they will no longer be allowed in classrooms. This will effectively end the district’s innovative 1:1-BYOD policy of students bringing their own writing-drawing tools coupled with the teacher periodically providing them to those without. There may be other learning tools that need to be “blocked” as well such as the use of clay in art classes. We all know that students can wander "off task" while using clay resulting in an inappropriate object being formed. This usually leads to a lot of giggling or gasps disrupting the flow of learning. This is very difficult for the classroom teacher to monitor. While he/she is correcting one student, others working behind her may be off task in their respective creations.

Textbooks and reading materials are another potential distraction for students allowing their minds to drift off, hide other activities they might be engage in at their desks, or the ever-dreaded “reading ahead” instead of staying with the class or focusing on today’s assignment only. Therefore, it seems logical that we ban books from the classroom since it is far too difficult for any one teacher to ensure students are locked onto the required reading or book assignment. Once again, this will relieve the teacher of time-wasting classroom management activities and allow for more teaching and learning in the classroom.

It appears that the safest, most efficient classroom is one where only conversation is allowed as long as it is managed in such a way as only one person is speaking at a time. Therefore, effective today, we shall return to the pre-1900’s when oral recitation was at the center of teaching and learning, and all other learning tools put away as to prevent those unneeded distractions and time-wasting classroom management activities.

The Superintendent